Caught in the Act

Romi: the bloody idiot!

Oma: hey, Romi…

Faiza: what’s biting you?

Romi: that sucker…that fool…that…

Yinka: hey relax! What happened? You are just coming in and you are sweating…what’s wrong?

Romi: gosh! I can’t believe I actually trusted that son of a bitch.

Oma: Charles?

Romi: mmhmm!

Yinka: what did he do?

Romi: I just caught him…only a few minutes ago, fucking his secretary!

Faiza: woooo!

Oma: holy shit!

Yinka: that’s so untidy.

Romi: tell me about it!

Oma: awww Romi, I’m so sorry to hear this.

Faiza: what could possibly have possessed him?

Yinka: his dick, maybe.

Faiza: Yinka! This is not the time for your sauciness o!

Yinka: come on! We all know men think with that long turgid instrument. They’ve got no other brains.

Romi: I agree! I swear if I had a knife, I would have cut that thing off!

Oma: you go girl!

Faiza: Oma!

Yinka: unless a man takes himself seriously, I don’t see why we should see them beyond what they are.

Romi: aaargh!

Faiza: Yinka, you are not helping matters this way. Romi is only going to get angrier.

Yinka: well, that’s the point you get to before you find meaning to the madness in the dating world.

Romi: I’m just so mad!

Oma: what exactly did you see, Romi?

Faiza: you want details, Oma? Like how long the ‘thing’ is? If the silly woman was screaming?

Oma: no nah, just facts.

Romi: he was moaning like a cow!

Oma: like a satisfied cow or a frustrated one?

Faiza: Oma!!

Yinka: haha! And the most annoying part is you are not sure how long this must have been going on. Ah well, I did tell you there was something ‘not right’ about him the first time we met, didn’t I? He was staring lustfully at Oma.

Romi: really? None of you told me that.

Faiza: it wasn’t necessary; besides everyone stares at Oma and her lewd way of dressing.

Yinka: he looked too long; right down her cleavage, salivating.

Romi: aaaaaarrgh!

Oma: no need to get madder, it was a long time… and nothing happened.

Faiza: oh Oma! Did you have to convince us of that?

Oma: ah! So that she doesn’t think…

Faiza: oh just shut up, Oma! Romi, what can we do to make this easier?

Yinka: burn his wardrobe maybe; along with all his splendid Italian suits.

Faiza: Yinka!

Yinka: It’s therapeutic.

Faiza: ugh! You are so impossible!

Oma: what do you plan to do, Romi?

Romi: I don’t know.

Yinka: I’ve got a couple of solutions that just might help…

Oma: we are all ears!

Yinka: first, you need to go shopping…

Faiza: shopping?

Oma: I like the sound of that. Yay!

Yinka: get yourself some really sexy stuff…

Oma: you’ll be buying from me. I’ve got all you need in stock!

Yinka: also, you need to get to your apartment and get rid of everything that remotely reminds you of him.

Oma: true!

Yinka: thirdly, do a bit of flirting with some hot guy in town…

Faiza: Yinka, that is very indecent…

Yinka: no commitments, just harmless flirting with Mr. gorgeous.

Romi: hmmmm!

Yinka: lastly, remember that salsa lessons you wanted to start sometime back but never got around to? This is the time, girl.

Oma: wooooo! Way to go!

Romi: I don’t know…

Faiza: it’s not going to be easy dear, but I’m sure you’ll pull through.

Romi: thanks guys.

Yinka: you welcome, anytime.

Oma: one more question; um, was she on top of him? Was it doggy style? Froggie? Touch your toes?

Faiza: Oma oooo!!

Romi: she actually had his dick inside her mouth.

Faiza: eeeeewwww!

Yinka: now, that’s some hot loving.

Oma: hope you used to give him some of that too?

Romi: of course! I licked that fool like he was ice-cream!

Yinka: now, that makes it even worse.

Romi: psheww!

Faiza: why, for the love of humanity, will I have a man’s penis inside my mouth?

Oma: ha! You mean you are not giving Oga some?

Faiza: God forbid! Does he ‘give me some’?

Yinka: jeez, you both are so boring.

Oma: hmm Faiza, are you sure he is not getting some…

Faiza: hey! Hold your mouth right there, Oma!

Yinka: essential question, Faiza.

Faiza: I have my ears closed; I don’t want to hear it.

Yinka: ok, suit yourself. Denial drives away insanity, after all!

Faiza: whatever!

Romi: bingo!

Oma: what?

Romi: his SUV is parked at my house.

Oma: cool…

Yinka: deflate all tyres.

Romi: tehe!

Same ol' Gospel

Romi: what took you so long, Oma?

Oma: I went to church. The service just ended.

Romi: church? You?

Oma: ehen!

Faiza: in this singlet that you are wearing that is barely covering your bum.

Romi: lol! See her breasts spilling all over the place. I hope the pastor was able to concentrate on his message?

Oma: this is one of the latest bras I am selling. I have to push sales…

Yinka: we can see how well you are ‘pushing’ it. lol!

Faiza: so tell us, what instructions came from the pulpit today?

Oma: same ‘ol, same ‘ol…can’t really remember the topic.

Romi: haba, but you just left church.

Oma: eh, I have other things on my mind nah. Business is tough; they are asking for exorbitant rates at the Port for the container carrying my goods.

Yinka: what’s in it this time?

Oma: everything o: shoes, bags, clothes…

Romi: so if you cannot remember the topic in church, only preached a few minutes ago, why do you bother to go?

Oma: are we back to that subject? Ok, before you people think I’m a blondie, I do remember what the pastor was wearing – a gold chain so huge he looked like a rap star.

Yinka: rappers wear silver chains…

Oma: still, he looked like he could spit some rhymes like MI. Lol! And you needed to see his entourage – all gleaming in expensive stuff. I should go into male accessories and find a way to warm up to that man…

Yinka: with your push-up bras, I’m sure he’ll give you all the audience you need. Lol!

Faiza: isn’t it upsetting how churches have become beacons of bogus wealth?

Oma: what is wrong with wealth?

Yinka: nothing Oma, except it makes you worry only about how to shag a pastor…

Oma: ah! did I say I want to sleep with him?

Romi: no. you just said how you’ll thrust your boobs right in his face.

Yinka: hahahahahaha!

Faiza: the pastor around my neighbourhood just purchased a jeep. He started out in his living room, now he has acquired a land in Lekki.

Yinka: all in a country where people spend less than a dollar everyday.

Romi: I was listening to Freeze on Cool FM the other day. And he went on about how a thousand naira does not know what a church looks like; only bars, clubs and hotels…

Yinka: lol! Is he kidding me?

Romi: he says the ten naira had to educate the one-thousand-naira on what a church is, since it is only a ten that finds itself there.

Yinka: that’s ridiculous. How do pastors buy jets, own expensive universities with back-breaking fees, and build multi-purpose malls if they don’t get to smile with the one-thousand-naira bill every second?

Faiza: I wonder. I will never forgive the pastor of the last church I attended. I was so committed; he coerced us to pay ten thousand every month for a building project. I paid that money for three years, and at the end of the day, he bought himself a first class ticket and disappeared. I hear he’s now in Kenya, preaching the same lie.

Romi: but how is it people cant see through that façade? I could never fall for such deceit.

Yinka: don’t say that Romi. Anyone can fall and hit their head when it comes to sweet-talking religion. It’s the same lure America holds for a lot of Nigerians – a promise of a better life. Even for a family that can barely feed, they’ll cough out thousands of naira to watch one family member fly to the West. We are obsessed with what we cannot grasp.

Oma: A.N.Y.W.A.Y, back to the subject. Do you think I should wear a strapless bra to The Ports tomorrow? I need to get my goods out and a little jiggle at a few lonely folks might do the trick.

Yinka, Faiza, Romi: OMA!!!!

I'm Broke!

Romi: I’m broke!

Yinka: that’s no news; you’ve been out of work for months.

Romi: out of work?

Yinka: yea. You don’t come around my office anymore to sell your perfumes. How are you going to make any money sitting down?

Romi: but I have to be at my shop…

Yinka: your kiosk you mean, that 90% of your customers don’t know about. Be real girl. Who’s going to come all the way to Festac to get a bottle of perf?

Faiza: Yinka is right, Romi. You used to love hawking your perf around, moving from one bank to the other; now you don’t even bother.

Romi: but I’m getting old nah…

Yinka: at what age? Hahahaha! Jor don’t make me laugh.

Romi: moving from one end of Lagos was only for a season; I was supposed to outgrow that season and be more stable.

Yinka: then you have to find ways of reinventing your biz..

Romi: how?

Yinka: ask Oma. She sells everything imaginable on the planet…

Oma: wetin? Lol! I love the hustle, Romi doesn’t.

Yinka: give her a little tip on how to survive as a hustler in Lagos.

Oma: I just do my bit. I can’t be everywhere so I leave my complimentary card with prospects.

Romi: but I do the same. Na wa. I think perfume business is the worst hit in this recession…

Yinka: then what will you say of my own line of career. No one is bothered with advertising anymore. They strongly believe in word-of-mouth…

Faiza: what about my own line of business? My husband has cut my house allowance incredibly.

Yinka: sorry o, housewife…

Oma: lol!

Yinka: whatever happened to that small business you were trying to start a while back?

Faiza: did I not tell you that he hissed and told me it was ridiculous selling provision and stationary? Wetin I go do?

Yinka: you will continue to pester him, that’s what you must do.

Faiza: easy for you to say, you are not married.

Yinka: we have all had men at one point in our lives Faiza…

Oma: and still do!

Yinka: …so unless you tell us your husband is from mars…

Faiza: marriage is different please. Now he owns you….

Yinka: really?

Faiza: yes. He has paid your dowry and you bear him children…

Yinka: gosh, you sound like something from the 60s.

Oma: tehehehehe….

Yinka: how can a man own you to the extent you don’t know what you are or how you want your life to be?

Faiza: at least I am married….

Oma: and unhappy!

Yinka: hahahahahahaaha!

Faiza: whatever! At the end of the day, that is what defines a woman.

Romi: biko, remove me from that equation.

Oma: me too!

Yinka: Lol! Ah! you ladies won’t kill me.

Faiza: all the fashion and money and career mean nothing without a husband…

Yinka: are you trying to console yourself?

Faiza: me ke! You are the ones that are incomplete.

Romi: oh enough of this rubbish, Faiza! If nothing else I know you wish you had half the spirit Yinka has. She walked out on a promising marriage proposal with one of the hottest bachelors in town because he was trying to make her live his life even after a son together.

Faiza: How heroic. Yinka acts like she’s got a penis.

Oma: hahahahahaahaha! Eh! Faiza! When will you ever change? All these years as friends still you are so…

Faiza: so what Oma? Eh, so what? Don’t get me angry this afternoon o.

Yinka: ladies! ladies! no need to draw blood over issues. Truth is, whatever rocks your boat, please roll with it, yes?

Romi: after all this spit flying everywhere, I’m still broke o. Yinka jor, I need you to borrow me some money…

Yinka: ah! why me?

Romi: why not you?

Yinka: my son’s going back to school next week o. and you know that his school fees are back-breaking.

Romi: Faiza can you help?

Faiza: did I not just tell you that my husband cut my allowance into shreds?

Romi: Oma?

Oma: how much do you want?

Romi: erm, N25k.

Oma: ah! I don’t have that much o. I’ll give you 15.

Romi: thank you.

Oma: but you’ll wait till the end of the week. I have some money to collect from one of my customers. He bought bras, over ten for his girlfriend and told me to try them on.

Yinka: what?!

Oma: he said we were the same bust size.

Faiza: and you tried them on, abi?

Oma: yes nah.

Yinka: and he had to watch you try them on.

Oma: ah! It’s not like I had sex with him nah. He was buying in large quantities.

Romi: Oma!

Oma: abeg o! free me.