Monday, April 19, 2010

Same ol' Gospel


Romi: what took you so long, Oma?

Oma: I went to church. The service just ended.

Romi: church? You?

Oma: ehen!

Faiza: in this singlet that you are wearing that is barely covering your bum.

Romi: lol! See her breasts spilling all over the place. I hope the pastor was able to concentrate on his message?

Oma: this is one of the latest bras I am selling. I have to push sales…

Yinka: we can see how well you are ‘pushing’ it. lol!

Faiza: so tell us, what instructions came from the pulpit today?

Oma: same ‘ol, same ‘ol…can’t really remember the topic.

Romi: haba, but you just left church.

Oma: eh, I have other things on my mind nah. Business is tough; they are asking for exorbitant rates at the Port for the container carrying my goods.

Yinka: what’s in it this time?

Oma: everything o: shoes, bags, clothes…

Romi: so if you cannot remember the topic in church, only preached a few minutes ago, why do you bother to go?

Oma: are we back to that subject? Ok, before you people think I’m a blondie, I do remember what the pastor was wearing – a gold chain so huge he looked like a rap star.

Yinka: rappers wear silver chains

Oma: still, he looked like he could spit some rhymes like MI. Lol! And you needed to see his entourage – all gleaming in expensive stuff. I should go into male accessories and find a way to warm up to that man…

Yinka: with your push-up bras, I’m sure he’ll give you all the audience you need. Lol!

Faiza: isn’t it upsetting how churches have become beacons of bogus wealth?

Oma: what is wrong with wealth?

Yinka: nothing Oma, except it makes you worry only about how to shag a pastor…

Oma: ah! did I say I want to sleep with him?

Romi: no. you just said how you’ll thrust your boobs right in his face.

Yinka: hahahahahaha!

Faiza: the pastor around my neighbourhood just purchased a jeep. He started out in his living room, now he has acquired a land in Lekki.

Yinka: all in a country where people spend less than a dollar everyday.

Romi: I was listening to Freeze on Cool FM the other day. And he went on about how a thousand naira does not know what a church looks like; only bars, clubs and hotels…

Yinka: lol! Is he kidding me?

Romi: he says the ten naira had to educate the one-thousand-naira on what a church is, since it is only a ten that finds itself there.

Yinka: that’s ridiculous. How do pastors buy jets, own expensive universities with back-breaking fees, and build multi-purpose malls if they don’t get to smile with the one-thousand-naira bill every second?

Faiza: I wonder. I will never forgive the pastor of the last church I attended. I was so committed; he coerced us to pay ten thousand every month for a building project. I paid that money for three years, and at the end of the day, he bought himself a first class ticket and disappeared. I hear he’s now in Kenya, preaching the same lie.

Romi: but how is it people cant see through that fa├žade? I could never fall for such deceit.

Yinka: don’t say that Romi. Anyone can fall and hit their head when it comes to sweet-talking religion. It’s the same lure America holds for a lot of Nigerians – a promise of a better life. Even for a family that can barely feed, they’ll cough out thousands of naira to watch one family member fly to the West. We are obsessed with what we cannot grasp.

Oma: A.N.Y.W.A.Y, back to the subject. Do you think I should wear a strapless bra to The Ports tomorrow? I need to get my goods out and a little jiggle at a few lonely folks might do the trick.

Yinka, Faiza, Romi: OMA!!!!

4 comments:

Myne Whitman said...

Oma is officially my best character. She's so witty.

As for our pastors, I no even get words for them.

Joy Isi Bewaji said...

@myne: Oma is, indeed, a handful, isn't she? lol!

Jay'sPLANET said...

"Do you think I should wear a strapless bra to The Ports tomorrow? I need to get my goods out and a little jiggle at a few lonely folks might do the trick" Chei! See business strategy at its peak o.If only I could get Oma to manage my business for me.My only fear is, if she decides to sell me together with my business, she'll do it with the ease of swallowing amala.

FFF said...

dis Oma na d very babe!